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Here’s to taking the time to be a friend (What’s your New Years Resolution?)

"If a man does not make new acquaintances as he advances through life, he will soon find himself alone. A man should keep his friendships in constant repair." –Samuel Johnson

Dale Dauten, King Features Syndicate Chicago Tribune

It’s always more. Nothing gets taken away, just added. Put this near the top of the list of "Things You’ll Never Hear a CEO Say":

"A year ago I asked you all to put in extra effort and work extra hours. You responded; we ended up ahead of projections. So, this year, we can all ease back on our workload and relax. Take some time to enjoy life. And thank you."

No, work doesn’t just happen; it accumulates. Plus (never minus), the same ratcheting-up happens with family and health. You add in soccer practice; nobody takes away dance lessons. If you manage to find time to jog, then you need to add in weight training. What gets subtracted? Thinking back on the last decade, what has gone away? Beanie Babies. That’s it: Beanie Babies. And the people who thought those up are undoubtedly working on something else. Somebody, please, find them and stop them.

But you know the real shame of work/family/health commitment accumulation? That there seems to be less and less time for friendship. Just saying the word "friendship" makes you relax and smile. Go ahead, try it.

What got me thinking about friendship was the late Stephen Ambrose’s marvelous book on male friendships, "Comrades." While most of the book is devoted to historical figures, the most moving passages are those inspired by his own best friend, Gordon "Nick" Mueller, including this one: "Our trust in each other is complete. And we still have projects and fantasies that will go on as long as we live. Our relationship has been a joy and a privilege, indeed an ecstasy. This is what friendship could, should, might be. Growing together, supporting one another, keeping the other guy’s dreams alive. It is not like the competition of youth. There is no element of struggle in it, no pushing, only lifting, drawing the other guy on, teaching, working in partnership without ever having to ask for help."

Excuse me a minute; I have to go back and reread that. Wow.

And speaking of "only lifting," I’m pleased to report that Ambrose was a lifter, especially with his former students. Jerry Strahan did his master’s thesis under Ambrose, studying Andrew Higgins, maker of the landing craft that were used at Normandy and elsewhere (and built in a New Orleans factory on the site of the D-Day museum that Ambrose founded).

Strahan, who became a businessman, pressed Ambrose to write a book on Higgins, without success: "Everyone has heard of professors who supposedly have taken graduate students’ research and used it for their own benefit. I was trying to convince one that he should turn my thesis into a book, but with no success."

Instead, Ambrose turned the pressure around and signed up his former student to speak at a conference for historians. The eventual result was Strahan’s engaging book, "Andrew Jackson Higgins and the Boats That Won World War II."

He writes in the foreword, "Had it not been for Ambrose, the boxes of documents and hours of taped interviews would still be sitting on the floor of my closet."

The other instance comes from Linda Liljedahl of Baton Rogue, La., an attorney who has turned to providing mediation services. Ambrose was her professor and mentor, starting with an undergrad history class in which students were offered the option of teaching a class rather than taking the final exam.

She took the teaching option, thinking it would be easier. It wasn’t, of course, but she ended up taking joy in the extra effort and the self-development it demanded.

Later, she reports, "he took me aside to tell me that I was going to enter the new honors program. I was perfectly satisfied to just graduate with good grades. Well, Steve never flinched at hard work, and was not about to let me `slide by’ (his words), either. With his constant pushing and checking, I ended up being the first student to graduate from the University of New Orleans with honors in history."

This turned out to be the advantage that got her chosen for admission to the prestigious Tulane Law School. She says, "That’s just another thing I owe to Steve Ambrose, who saw something in me when I didn’t even know what I was going to be."

Yes, that’s what friendship should be. Not pushing, but drawing the other person on, keeping dreams alive. May this be the year that we take the time to be friends who don’t need to be asked, who teach, who keep dreams alive, who only lift.

Copyright © 2002, Chicago Tribune

http://www.chicagotribune.com/business/chi-0212290274dec29,1,4752777.story?coll=chi%2Dbusiness%2Dhed

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